The Pain
by LikeJello
Summary: Kel is trying to find a way to reconcile being a warrior and a human.


The Pain. The Loss. It's all just floating in the air. What did those people ever do to die so young? Did the old people have to die a painful death?

_How many shall pass on, how many shall come to be;_

_Who shall live and who shall die;_

_Who shall see ripe old age and who shall not;_

_Who shall perish by fire and who by water;_

_Who by sword and who by beast;_

_Who by hunger and who by thirst;_

_Who by earthquake and who by plague;_

_Who by strangling and who by stoning;_

_Who shall be serene and who shall be driven;_

_Who shall be tranquil and who shall be troubled;_

_Who shall be poor and who shall be rich;_

_Who shall be humbled and who shall be exalted_

Both sides were fighting for their own rulers, following orders, so how can you blame the individuals that committed the killings? But that doesn't sit quite right. Are we to blame for their widows and fatherless children and sonless mothers when we were fighting for our own country, our own right to be free? Did we not do unto them what they did unto us? Are they only the enemy because we cannot fathom that we are the enemy, the bad guys? How do those across the border view us? As monsters that killed their loved ones? As vicious, unprincipled murderers? As we view them?

Do the gods manipulate people like man manipulates pieces on a chess board? Do they choose who will live and who will die? If they do, how do they choose? What choice does man have on this earth? Any? Or do the gods just play fickle with mortals' lives? Can we fight it?

* * *

Under a tree by the river Domin a girl sits, staring into the water. Upon closer inspection, it would be unfair to classify this woman as a girl. The woman has many questions rolling through her mind, but no answers to them. Her hazel eyes start to unfocus as she tries to push the troubling questions out of her mind, imagining herself as a calm lake on a windless day. While attempting this, a man, unbeknownst to the woman, sits down under the tree, startling his companion.

"Kel," the woman, Keladry of Mindelan, Lady Knight, startles and looks up into the bluest eyes she has ever seen, and smiles at her friend Dom. "Are you alright?" At this question Kel slides on her mask, hiding her true feelings. "Don't put on your mask; I can see right through it."

At this, Kel drops her mask, and closes her eyes, taking deep calming breaths. "Dom, do the Scanrans...Do they think of us as an evil enemy, just as we see them?"

Dom, looking at Kel, can tell that this question is really bothering her, but doesn't know how to answer. He thinks about what to say for a long while, both of them just staring out over the water. Finally Dom organizes his thoughts, and turns to Kel. "I can't answer that question, not being one of them," he slowly says. "But we did kill them, just as they killed us, and the Scanrans have the same ability to love as we of Tortall do, and the same capacity to mourn for their lost ones. Why do you ask?"

"I am just trying to figure out human nature, I guess. Now that the war is over, I have more time to think of the ones that I killed. And I think, they were just following orders, are the fighters really bad at all? Should not the blame be placed solely of those in power, like The Maggot and Blayce?"

"But what of those fighters that were fighting for what they believe in, our destruction, are they not just as much to blame as the rulers?"

"But we believed in what we were fighting for, so by your reasoning, we are the enemy, we slaughtered hundreds of thousands of their men. How can we think of ourselves as the good ones in this war?"

"Grandfather Emry used to always say that, 'If a victory is told in detail, one can no longer distinguish it from a defeat.'. Perhaps the same goes for enemies. Both sides do harm unto the other, so it really doesn't matter what side you are on, someone will always call you an enemy. It is part of the life you chose, the life everyone here chose. We all need to make our own peace with what we do during war."

After a long silence, Dom gets up to leave Kel alone with her thoughts. Kel, not wanting to be alone, grabs him by the arm with a, "No, Dom, please don't leave. Sit down; stay with me while I think. Please?"

Dom acquiesces and the two spend the remainder of the day sitting under the tree. Dom, worrying over Kel, breaks the silence when sunset starts to streak the sky. "Kel," he quietly says as he gently rubs her shoulder to bring her out of her trance without frightening her, "you need to get back to your family, while I have to return to my men. We missed lunch, and you must be hungry."

"I'm not really hungry," Kel says as she turns to Dom.

Dom, knowing Kel well, just gives her his hand to help her up, which Kel gratefully takes.


End file.
